I know. I do.
I know my gaze drifts after 5 minutes.
I know that I am only mindful for a few minutes at a time. I know that I have to leave soon, and that you want us to stay longer, and that I am arriving late and leaving early- likely in a rush and forgetting something. I should visit more often. Or have a dinner. Or stay one more minute. Or have a drink and watch a movie. I know there is a birthday party today or tomorrow or that i missed yesterday. I know there is a funeral coming or recently passed. I know there is a business meeting at lunch that will go long. I know there is a lawn to mow, and a yard to clean. I know there is at least four ways to spend my time right now. I know that it is never enough. I know that the sink is a mess. I know that the birdfeeder needs to be cleaned.
"Why are you pushing yourself so hard?"
I know that most people don't understand. If I want to run a marathon, I have to train - alot. This means running three to four times a week- and hard long distance. If I want to entertain the boys, I have to find events that fit in their nap schedule. If I want to visit, there is a list of neglected friends and family which is usurped by shopping, chores. If I want to finish this MBA, I need book time. If I want to be vegan I have to plan meals and eat- alot. If I want time with Heidi I have to move chore time and MBA time.
I don't have idle time. My down time is in running 5-10km. My family time is spent having the boys do chores with me. When people ask for my time, or complain that I dont visit enough, it almost offends me. I am so exhausted and tired- I find ways to spend my time twice, like running with the boys, or visiting family at meal time or over lunch, or taking calls when I drive. A cleaning lady and preordered groceries are common place now. Massage treatments are in the basement. A nanny helping is on the horizon.
You don't need to remind me that my time is scarce and precious. I know. I do.
Dieter Wentzel, CHRP